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worldmentalhealthday ..

Hiya, yet again it’s been a while.

Took me a bit of balls to write this post, I have the words in my head, but not sure how they’re going to play out so here we go. It’s a bit too long for an instagram post, and being World Mental Health Day, I thought today was a good day to write about Post Natal Depression and my experience with it.

Before I had my beautiful Nelly, I must admit, I hadn’t had much experience with anxiety/depression, I hadn’t been around anybody who had it (that I was aware of anyway), you see, with these illnesses, you don’t walk round with a cast on, or you don’t get a wheelchair, so people don’t tend to know you have it, unless you talk about it, but then you don’t want to be a burden to anyone.

The first few weeks after having her, I knew it was tough, of course, I always knew it would be, but I kept having this drowning feeling, like I’m in the middle of a deep swimming pool, can’t reach the floor and I don’t know how to get out of it. It was actually my mum and my sister who sat me down, and asked me if I was okay, and in that moment, I knew I wasn’t. But just saying those words ”I’m not okay” felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders straight away. There are so many emotions, I felt bad because I knew how lucky I was to have my beautiful girl, I felt guilty for feeling this way as I know there are people who can’t have children, and what a fortunate position I’m in. I felt guilty because my Nelly is the most precious little girl, and she is so good, and I was in love with her the second they put her on my chest, so why was I feeling like this?

You see, depression, my depression anyway, isn’t me sitting around crying all day. I don’t have suicidal thoughts, I just simply feel like there’s no way out sometimes. Like I said before, that drowning feeling and I can’t catch my breath. I have had days where I’ve sat crying all day, of course, and I understand that’s part of being a new parent as well, as it is bloody hard.

So my first step was to make an appointment at the doctors. Again, this took a pair of balls, and especially to actually turn up to the appointment. The first thing I said was, ”first of all you need to know, how I’m feeling, is nothing to do with my daughter, as she is the best thing that has ever happened to me”, and it’s true, ironically post natal depression has nothing to do with my feelings for her, it’s my feelings for me, and most of the time everything around me. So anyway, she referred me to a psychiatrist .. that word ‘psychiatrist’ it’s horrible isn’t it? Yet it’s the same as a psychologist, the only difference is the psychiatrist can prescribe medicine. So anyway, I saw her, I had a good cry as it just all came out, and she prescribed me some tablets.

Now I’m not going to say the tablets helped straight away, cos they didn’t. But the feeling of validity, that what I’m feeling is completely normal, and it’s okay to talk about it, that made me feel better.

So yeah, I’ve been on them since May, and they are helping a bit, getting back to work is helping alot too, and getting back into a routine is good too.

I still have my bad days where everything is too much, but I know I can talk about my feelings now, and there is nothing wrong with that.

It’s weird, in today’s world, it feels completely fine to talk about how good you’re feeling, and what amazing holiday you are going on, what car you are going to but, all the good stuff, yet we feel like anything negative, if we’re feeling down, having a bad day, that’s alot harder to talk about, you don’t want to feel like you’re ”attention seeking” or anything like that.

I feel like I need to say on this post, I haven’t written it to make people feel sorry for me, or to seek attention. If by writing this I can let at least one person know they are not alone in how they feel, then it’s worth posting in my eyes.

It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to talk. If anybody ever wants to talk about anything, or even come round my house, have a cuppa and not talk at all, then please, I’m only a message away.

#worldmentalhealthday

#theresabumpahead

 

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Hi ho hi ho …

Hola!

I haven’t written many blog posts in a while as I mainly just rant on instagram now (feel free to follow! @theresabumpahead ) but this one I knew would take up a bit more space so here we go.

After my rather negative post about why I feel like Spain has completely let me down, and Nelly is now 12 weeks (eeekk!) that means in 4 weeks I’m due back at work.

It’s another one of those things I think we are so judged for as well. We are damned if we do go back to work and we’re damned if we don’t!

Now luckily I have an amazing boss who has said if I want to wait and go back in September then I can, but my maternity pay ends at the end of May, and as life isn’t a fairytale, bills need to be paid, so it’s back to work I shall go.

Nelly will be starting nursery, and to be absolutely honest with you, the past 5 nights I have sat and cried my eyes out at the thought of leaving her. Now I know mum’s do it all the time and it’s what needs to be done. but I just can’t imagine me handing her over and then walking away. I feel sick to my stomach.

But saying that, I will feel sick to my stomachif we are going to be stressed and worrying about money so yeah …

I feel guilty for making this decision though, because now I feel like it’s my choice because I’ve been given the option to go back to work at a later date. But I will feel better knowing I can provide for our little girl and it means getting her some more cute summer outfits and having some quality family time this summer.

Gotta be a role model for my baby girl!

How long was your maternity leave? Any tips on making us mum’s feel better when we leave the nursery on the first day?

#theresabumpahead

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Paperwork when you’ve had a baby in Spain ..

Now we know in Spain they love a bit of paperwork. I thought it was bad, didn’t realise how bad it was until we had Nelly!

I’m writing this post to help people out because I needed to see something like this explaining what needed to be done instead of being pushed from pillar to post being told one thing by one person and another by someone else. I hope it helps! Any questions ask away!

  • So first of all in the hospital, once you’ve had your baba, and before you leave you have to go back down the the maternity ward and they will give you the provisional birth certificate. For this you need the mum’s passport, has to be an original.
  • You then need to go to the Registro Civil (registry office) within 30 days of your baby being born, to get the birth certificates. They give you 2 birth certificates, and 3 copies of the literal certificate which is a bit more detailed. You need to make an appointment before you go here (type in cita previa registro civil Torrevieja) and the address is Calle Patricio Zammit, 50, Torrevieja) See pic below of the place. If you are going to apply for your baby’s DNI (spanish nationality) you need to tell them this as they give you another bit of paper.
  • registro civil.png
  • Padron. For this, as always you need your passport and NIE. You need to take all the paperwork they gave you at the registry office. If you are a home owner you have to take your house deeds with you. If you are renting they’ll ask for your rental contract and a bill in your name. Get here real early in the morning, they open the doors at 8.30 and they only give out so many appointment tickets a day.
  • Once you have the padron, you can apply for the DNI (if the baby will be registered with spanish nationality of course), you need to take passport sized photos in, the birth certificate, and the family padron. Again you need to have an appointment to be seen, the website is http://www.citapreviadnie.es and the address is Calle Arquitecto Larramendi 3, 03183 Torrevieja.dni torrevieja.png
  • Then you need to go to the Instituto Nacional de Seguridad Social (INSS) in Torrevieja. You go here to assign your little one as the beneficiary of your sip card. Just take everything you have, they asked for your passport, Nelly’s ID, the padron certificate and of course the birth certificate. Yet again you need to make an appointment, type in ‘cita previa inss torrevieja’ on google and the website will come up. The address is Calle Urbano Urregui 8, in Torrevieja.inss.png
  • Once you have the paper from the INSS you take that into your medical centre with your padron and you can then apply for your baby’s permanent sip card.

Phew! Just writing that all down makes me feel stressed again! I really hope I’ve helped someone out by doing this. Any questions ask away! Also if I’ve missed anything out (I probably have) then let me know please!

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Six weeks in ..

I’ve noticed in my previous posts how I always seem to mention what other people think, are doing, or what they may have said. Well this one is a little different, this is just me, six weeks in, writing down some thoughts.

First of all … fuck. I never knew it would be this draining. I am so tired and my body feels so tired. Someone asked me recently how parenthood is going, I answered simply “there’s little sleep but alot of love!”

I feel like a new woman in the fact that I don’t remember who I am anymore. I’ve lost my way a bit I guess. There are so many feelings and emotions going on everything just completely throws me.

I can no longer just nip out for something, mainly because I overthink and overworry and overanalyse everything. I know I shouldn’t and some thoughts are absolutely ridiculous but there you go.

I feel so lost. My home used to be my safe place, my haven if you like, and now there are some days it feels like a prison. My only safe place I guess atm is on Instagram, where the “instamums” are sharing similar thoughts so I don’t feel so alone at 3am in the morning, or any time really.

There’s not a minute in the day that I’m not thinking about what I should be doing and yet wondering where I’ll get the energy to do so. There is so much paperwork still to be done it’s so overwhelming and not helping how I feel one bit. We’ve got to go to the nursery soon to get Nelly’s name on the waiting list, yet I can’t see how I’m ever going to be able to leave her there and go back to work, but life isn’t a fairytale and bills need to be paid!

I know how this all sounds a bit “poor me” but it’s just how I’m feeling and this is the only way I feel I can express it really. So there ya go.

Here’s to the next 6 weeks!

#theresabumpahead

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The best presents for a mum to be/mum ..

As my birthday is approaching one of my friends has asked me what I would like for it. Firstly I haven’t even thought about it and secondly I literally haven’t got a clue.

I have no idea how I used to dress pre pregnancy. My hair now consists of “unbrushed” or “mum bun” as I call it.

I don’t like coffee yet Im considering a coffee machine but then I know Ill be upset when I cant drink it hot 😂😂

Here are some of the best buys I’ve bought or been given during pregnancy or the first weeks of having Nelly that have made me feel special.

1. “The New Mum’s Notebook” – now I know I have mentioned this before. This book is beautiful, amazing, just what we need to hear, and the ironic thing is, it’s literally just what we are thinking but it really helps to see it written down by somebody else that what we are feeling is completely normal, and that we have got this.

2. A pregnancy pillow. – I believe everybody should have one of these personally, whether you are pregnant or not, male or female, this is the best pillow ever. It’s the fuckin best.

3. Refreshing foot spray. Bear with me on this one. If you are as unfortunate as me to have suffered the dreaded restless legs during pregnancy, stock up on this stuff. Just spray it and lie there and let it do it’s magic, trust me you will feel ten times better.

4. A pair of slippers and pyjamas. Make it a nice fancy pair why don’t ya? We need to feel a little bit special when we are up doing the night feed, or even a pair of pyjamas that we can get into when we get up and take our other pair of pyjamas. No, you can never have too many pairs!

5. Chocolate. This one needs no explanation.

6. A nice mug or glass, whatever. Something we can sip our lukewarm tea out of (hot cups of tea are a thing of the past now 😂)

7. Facemasks, candles, a body lotion. Anything that will give us 5 minutes if that to make us feel ourselves again. Never under estimate the power of the little things.

Sometimes we don’t even need presents, just presence. Even just a little message every now and again to check in. You don’t even have to make it baby/mummy related, send us a funny picture or just a message to make us feel like the old us again. We are still in there somewhere.

#theresabumpahead

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What not to say to a new parent …

This is my first post since our Nelly’s been born and I thought it was only right it would be a list and a rant because why not?!

Since having her in our lives it has been highlighted how much of a nervous wreck I have become. I am scared and so aware of absolutely everything. Every little noise, every person’s sneeze, movements, how people drive, the list could go on .. the world is a scary place to bring a baby into in my eyes .. for the first 4 days after we got home from the hospital I was afraid to even take her into the garden let alone think about taking her out of the house. The thought of people coming near her and touching her made me want to cry and I did even at the though of it. The first outing we did was to a bar round the corner from our house just for some breakfast, and all was well (I’d packed 8 nappies, a pack of baby wipes, a box of nappy bags and a change of clothes, oh and 2 bottles .. we were home within the hour!!) Until a man was walking his dog off the lead and it came up to the pram and I just freaked out and burst into tears .. what I’m trying to get to here is how scared us new parents are of everything, so we really do not need to hear silly comments from people we know or don’t. Here are a few that I have heard since having her (she’s not even 3 weeks old)

1. “So how are you feeling?” – Fucking tired. Am I allowed to say that now? I’m a tired, nervous, hormonal weepy wreck if you must know!

2. “Are you breastfeeding or bottle feeding?” – All you need to know is my baby is being fed thank you. How is none of your business.

3. “Ooh I’m tired” – How fucking dare you?!

4. “Isn’t she too hot/cold?” – Ah, the judgemental twats … Look, it’s taken me hours and even days to convince myself to bring my baby out so don’t start criticizing how I’m looking after my daughter. If she was too hot or cold she would cry thank you and I’m not a complete fucking imbecile.

5. “How old is he/she?” – I took Nelly out for a friend’s birthday lunch and she has a pink head support, pink blankets, pink bows on her pram (my mum’s addition not mine!) and she has a pink dummy in her mouth saying Nelly .. the first thing I was asked by someone I don’t even know was “aww how old is he?” Now don’t get me wrong, it’s 2018 .. if you want to cover a baby boy in pink blankets be my guest … but does she really look like a he?!?!?!

6. “Oh I didn’t do that with my baby” – Whether it be dummies, how they’re dressed, how you’re feeding them, everything is going to be commented on and judged my small minded people unfortunately. Yes she has a dummy, not all the time because she is in a constant battle with using her hand as a dummy or using the actual dummy, but if it makes my baby happy then it’s none of your concern thank you.

7. “Ohh is he babysitting?” – No, the father of my child is not babysitting thank you, he’s parenting. Get with it!!!

8. “So when are you back at work?” Followed by the judgey look when I say she will be put into nursery at 4 months. What would you prefer? Me to leave her home alone?

9. “You should sleep when the baby sleeps?” Ohh ok and who is going to clean the house and do the dinner and the washing and take hundreds of photos of her sleeping then?!

Basically I think we all just need a pat on the back, a hot cup of tea (ha ha ha!!) and some words of encouragement and that will be enough thank you. Don’t forget the saying “if you’ve got nothing nice to say then don’t say it!”

 

#theresabumpahead

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Pregnancy Diary – Week 40! ..

Hiya!

So 283 days in .. and yes, I’m still pregnant 😂 taking it as a compliment that I obviously have a very comfortable womb, as this little nugget isn’t ready to come out and meet us yet.

It’s such a weird feeling, at the beginning of the pregnancy you are given an estimated due date, and I know statistically no baby is born on their due date unless maybe it’s a scheduled c-section, but you have this date in your mind for nearly 8 months, and it seems so far away, then it’s holy shit close, and then it’s gone, and you have no baby 😂 we went to Torrevieja hospital for monitoring on Tuesday, with our bags packed, wondering if we’d be coming out as a family or what was going to happen. They monitored me and baba, all is well, I had a rather … handy … experience with the gynacologist, then was given another appointment for next week and we were sent on our way.

I read a perfect comparison in How To Grow A Baby And Push It Out by Clemmie Hooper (have a read!!) And she says it’s like every day is Christmas Eve but you never know when Santas coming!

So cue more comments from people, if I have one more person ask me “is she here yet?” “Are you still pregnant?” “Any signs yet?” .. I think i might end up going bat shit crazy! Oh and of course the “eat pineapple/have a curry/go for a walk ..” comments .. tbh with you I have lost all my energy these past few weeks, so I shall be resting and finally ‘making the most of it’ until the big moment.

It’s also really weird because you go to bed thinking tonight could be the night (I’m convinced I’ll go into labour at night) but then wake up feeling secretly smug that you’ve managed another lie in (or is that just me?)

I remember seeing so many people due in January, and now they’ve nearly all been ticked off the list and now we are thinking Okay so when do we get to meet our little one? But I believe everything happens fo a reason and it’s all about timing. Our little girl will come out when she’s good and ready and we can only wait for her xx

#theresabumpahead

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Maternity leave week one ..

When I first got pregnant, one of the many questions I was asked was “how long are you going to be working for?” And more recently alot of people asked when I would be giving up work .. my answer from day one has always been that I would work until baby girl was born.

Then we had some time off over Christmas when the girls from work went to Gambia to take Christmas to the children there (which is just bloody amazing!) So I worked from home and was able to rest more as I had alot of time off. So it got to coming back to work and my body jut couldn’t do it. I’ve had problems with my hips since I was about 4/5 months pregnant but where shes so low now Im struggling to sleep, to even get in or out of bed now which is no good, so unfortunately I had to listen to my body and my midwife and get signed off work.

For the first few days I really struggled, for me routine is everything, I’ve been at my job for 4 years now so its literally been my everyday routine, getting up, going to work, food shop, home, tidy up, dinner etc .. its been my social life top as I work with the best bunch of girls you can meet and even seeing the clients has been part of my social life (except the rude ones of course! Plenty of them!!) But you don’t realise how much you rely on routine, because when that was gone I felt lost, I still do I guess.

I feel so guilty for not working, like I’m letting people down but I need to listen to my body and rest up to get strong to deliver and look after our baby girl.

Here is a list of a few things that maternity have been to me so far :

– Every night before bed, frantically cleaning in case tonight’s the night I go into labour (ive convinced myself its going to happen at night)

– It’s making the bed more spick and span in the morning when I eventually get up, for the same reason, incase today is the day.

– It’s the constant battle between my brain and body, with my brain telling me I should be getting shit done just in case and my body telling me to rest up.

– The packing and repacking of our hospital bag, it’s now done and zipped up so tight I actually can’t unzip it.

– It’s every twinge or tightening that makes you think “is this it?”

– Taking my hospital folder with me everywhere I go incase I go into labour when I’m out.

– It’s constantly having my phone on charge, just in case.

Basically it’s just lots of time to overthink and overworry and overanalyse everything. It’s also the final countdown and each day is now a step closer to bringing our baby girl into the world and holding her in our arms and our lives forever, and that’s pretty bloody exciting.

#theresabumpahead

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How I feel about becoming a Mum ..

As I sit here in our girly’s room, 8 months pregnant, swollen, tired, achey, knowing pretty much everything is ticked off all those lists, in the most beautiful nursery, surrounded by all the equipment, cot, changing mat, cute teddies, all we are missing is our little girl.

On paper, we are ready, yet in the back of my mind I’ve got this voice screaming ”fuuuuuuck”.

I’m going to be a Mum.

Our little baby will be making an appearance soon. I haven’t ever changed a nappy in my life. What if I don’t know why she’s crying? What if I can’t cope? To be quite honest with you, I have never felt less ready for anything in my life. I’m petrified.

I think my over the top nesting is more because I know people are going to be round and think I’m an awful Mum so at least they’ll think I have a clean and tidy house and it might not be so obvious how shit I am.

I’m waiting for this mother instinct to kick in everyone tells me about. Everyone tells you about everything don’t they? How you should make the most of everything, how you should get your sleep in while you can. I can’t remember the last time I had a decent nights sleep. I ache all over, I have acid up to my ears and I can’t get comfy.

My mother’s instinct must be there a bit already I guess because I already know how much I would do anything to protect our little nugget and just feeling her wriggling around in my belly is by far one of my favourite times of the day.

I guess I’m just worried about getting things wrong and being judged because of everything. I really need to stop worrying about what people think, but that’s alot easier said than done isn’t it?

Someone tell me I’m not the only one to feel like this please?

#theresabumpahead

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The hospital bag ..

As you may have gathered by now, I am a fan and at the same time not a fan, of lists.

I have had lists coming out of my ears the past 8 months, but one I didn’t do and didn’t even think of doing was a hospital bag list. It was one that I hadn’t even thought of and tbh I still haven’t finished packing, due to the fact I have packed snacks in there and I keep eating them.

But this is what I have in my hospital bag. The bag is just a plain black duffel/sports bag from Stocker, was only a tenner and is a decent size!

So for me I have :

  • 2 nighties
  • 1 pair of trackies
  • 2 pairs of leggings
  • Baggy tops ( I need to get!)
  • Lots of pants, and some socks.
  • A toiletry bag, with mini shampoo, conditioner, sudocrem, lipbalm, deodorant, wipes, tooth brush, toothpaste, and I’ve even put some foundation in there!
  • Breast pads, disposable knickers and lots of maternity pads.
  • I did have 2 bags of maltesers and some minstrels, but I’ve eaten them. Not really that sorry haha.
  • I still need to buy some nursing bras and more baggy tops.

For baby girl I’ve packed (and repacked loads of times!)

  • 5 newborn sleep suits
  • A pack of nappies (40 in a pack I think?)
  • Cotton wool pads
  • A bib
  • 2 muslin cloths
  • A blanket
  • 3 hats and 3 sets of mittens
  • 1 snowsuit

I debated packing a dummy for her, but I’ll ask mum to bring her one if we need that, as I don’t want to start her on dummies straight away.

It’s really tricky to know what to pack as we don’t know how long we will be in there and how things are going to go, but luckily as we live near the hospital, and Mum & Dad know where everything is they can pick some more stuff up if need be.

From the 1st of January I will have the hospital bag in my boot at all tmes, cos in case you haven’t noticed I am a bloody worrier haha.

Was there anything you packed that you wished you didn’t or vice versa? Let me know!

#theresabumpahead

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